Healing From Family Blunders
~ By Siok Khoon

When people suffer abuses by so-called “family” members, it makes me wonder why this could ever happen in the very first place. After all, family should be a sacred place we all cherish, and like people say, “there is no place like home.”

Yet, a reality check reveals otherwise. Family is a house of mistakes and too many cases, violence and disunity.

When the mines explode at home, you hear of all the regrets and mistakes, “I shouldn’t have married you!”, “I shouldn’t have given birth to you!”, “I should have just left you”, “I shouldn’t have talked to you like this“, “I shouldn’t have treated you like this”, “I should have been nicer to you”, “I should have been more understanding”…

And then you also hear of all the emotional blackmailing, “I’d never forgive you!”, “Do you still treat me as a sister or not?” “Do you know I am your father?” “How dare you!”

My personal experience tells me that the concept of family are unrealistic. What is not realized is that we were born with genetic damages and we were not given a chance to recover. We continue living up to somebody else’s expectations as we abuse ourselves. And when we fail in each other’s expectations, blaming, discipline, family honors take the scene, and no one can walk out of it unscathed.

We are all taught to believe that if everyone in the family is accommodating to one another, we would have a happy family, and that’s what got everybody doing their entire lifetime. But still, the family ideal will never be lived ideally.

After years of living this way, I found I was not living my way. And when I tried to live my way, my whole family was upset with me. I was “selfish”, “inconsiderate” and I was blamed for breaking up the family. The truth was it was long broken even before I was born. We never knew how to care for ourselves in the very first place, and we went so far as to expect others to cater and care for us!

Everyone seems to agree that we relate to strangers and friends better than our own family members. Of course. It is a far better arrangement than family, and far healthier and saner. There is no expectation between friends. You do not have to grow in one another’s shadows. You can be just you, and not a role you’ve been asked to play. There is no pressure to be other than yourself.

When I told my mother that I didn’t want her as a mother but as a friend, she couldn’t comprehend it. But life is strange with all its twists. Little did I expect that all these years of learning to care for myself has brought me closer to the family ideals, and as my mother learns to care for herself and reflect on her own life, we will all be bonded as we should be.

Yes, mistakes are what we have to grow out of, and grow up from. If we succumb, it will only bring us more tears and heartaches. It certainly makes more accounting sense on life’s balance sheet to take away the ego and fill up with the courage to admit our wrongs. We all longed to be in each other’s arms, and that prize can only be deserved when we stop blaming and take a good look at ourselves and begin our self-care.

All the very best,
Siok Khoon
December 2007, Singapore